Happy 2016 everyone! With another year gone, it’s time to reflect on our mistakes, look forward to our hopes, plan for our dreams and make new resolutions! Let’s take this space to really go deep and discuss what kind of a world we want to make in this new year.
Fuck it, I lied. It’s anime recap time, what you gonna do?
JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure? What? Why bother reading about that miserable Joestar family? Everyone knows DIO Brando is the true star of the series! His reign over the lower life forms will be immortal!
Well, it’s been 14 years since the mess that was Jurassic Park 3, and 22 years since the original. Now, Steven Speilberg is back as executive producer for a new Jurassic movie. It’s 2015 and now we’ve got Jurassic World. It’s got Rising SuperStar Chris Pratt on board, too, which bodes well. The big question is, of course, can it compare to the first movie? Is it worthy?
The answer is FUCKING YES. This is the only movie that I feel deserves the “Jurassic Park” name since the first one. You should go see it. You should go see it in IMAX, if only for the sound. Hearing the roar of the T-Rex with IMAX sound is something you need to experience. The 3D used in Jurassic World is the immersive style of 3D, rather than the “RAAR I’M POPPING OUT OF THE SCREEN AT YOU” and is used very minimally. While I appreciate this, it does make the 3D completely optional to the experience.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.
Seeing as how neither Dan nor Patrick will touch anything pony-related with a ten foot science pole, I guess it falls to me to become the resident brony and tell you all about the MLP collectible card game.
Standing straight out, firm and unwavering, it points towards a glorious future! A shining finger, it’s glorious light banishing all lies and darkness before it! His voice is clear, his conviction loud! The struggle isn’t over yet! No, in fact he has only begun to turn it around!
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE ACE ATTORNEY SERIES
Another of your allies falls in battle. With a grim taste in your mouth, you recall him from the front line. Five down, one left. Your rival sneers at you from across the field. You’ve wanted to show him up since childhood, and this was supposed to be your big chance. Shame things never seem to work out they way you want them. Your hand reaches up to touch the small red and white orb hanging around your neck. Do you dare? Can you afford not to? Relying on its power is dangerous, and there’s no telling what the side effects could be. You think back to that puppy orphanage, six months ago. They’re still cleaning that up.
You raise your head, and lock eyes with the adversary. In his eyes you see the pride, the smugness, the total douche-baggery that you’ve hated for all of these years. Something inside you mans the f**k up. You don’t care anymore. You don’t care that he’s the old man’s grandson. You don’t care that there are thousands of innocent bystanders watching.
No. You’ve come much too far for it all to end here – to end like this.
You rip the orb from its setting, and push the small button on the face. In a blink, it goes from the size of a marble to that of a softball, filling your hand. You flip your hat around, brim to rear, and reach back, throwing the pokéball with all of your might and shouting:
“DANGERZONE, I CHOOSE YOU!”
You sit at a table. Darkness surrounds you, a single spotlight illuminating the felt green battlefield. The three other generals sit next from you, their faces in shadow. Two cards, their backs red as blood wait in front of the mysterious dealer. His eyes hide behind aviator shades and he grins as he turns over the final card. Now five aces stand in a row. Five aces? How is that even possible?
With a knowing wink (how did you know about the wink, you can’t see his eyes!) he says, “ante up.” You reach out, and look at your cards in the hole. How odd, one says “Hypeway” and the other says “Dangerzone”. You decide that fortune favors the bold.
So Much Vanilla, Too Much Vanilla
This article really got away from me. It just grew and grew and didn’t seem like it was going to stop. I also didn’t know where it was going half-way through. If you want, here is what I got before giving up and moving on to new articles.
You are walking down a dark alley in the city. Lost and trying to find a way home, your attention is arrested by a nondescript wooden door. A barely legible sign seems to read, “Hypeway.” Your curiosity aroused, you open the door. Warm light and soft music pours out, as though the universe is trying to equalize some sort of pressure. Your eyes adjust to the brightness as you enter and you spy an elegant looking bar. A familiar looking bartender with aviator glasses stands in front of an army of bottles – positioned rank and file like old soldiers.
He stops polishing the pint glass in his hand to wave you over to the bar – a plush stool inviting you to sit. You take a seat and your eyes fall to the counter top. In its polished depths you see old warriors and famous poets staring back at you. After a moment transfixed, the sound of glass on wood draws your eyes to your new companion – a shot glass filled with glowing amber fluid.
You know what this is. A mystical tincture said to turn cowards into heroes, boys into men, and men into GODS: LIQUID HYPE.
You are sitting in a classroom. There are no windows, no professor, just an empty whiteboard and a clock endlessly ticking away towards the apocalypse. You look down at your desk but instead of your notebook find a large frog. He whispers to you the secrets of the universe; “he is coming.” After those words you hear a quiet whistle. It grows and grows soon becoming an all mighty roar – the sound Odin the All-father would make if he stepped on a Lego. The wall suddenly collapses as a harrier jet crashes through, parking itself between you and the teacher’s desk. The canopy opens and a man climbs out. School is now in session, boys and girls.